The Bodies Project: Cleo

"I've been getting comments about being thin since I was very young. Mostly family. I didn't start getting a lot of comments about my body from kids my age until high school, when people would tease me, you know, "skinny white girl." I've wanted a boob job since I was 14, and as early as 7th grade I was stuffing my bras. I've always tried to gain weight, but it's just really hard for me. When was a kid I had a mom who wouldn't let me leave the table until I ate everything on my plate, and even now when I do eat I feel guilty if I don't finish.⠀
⠀
Sometimes I use food as a reward, like "You can't eat until you finish what you're doing." And sometimes, I just forget! I have ADHD, and I've gone for two days where I just forget to eat. On days I dance, I won't eat at all.
⠀
Dancing, I get people who love my body, and people who can't stand it — "I don't want dances from a skeleton." I'm kind of used it from customers, but it still bothers me when it comes from family. And believe it or not I was actually a lot thinner before I started dancing — it helped me pack on a lot of muscle. ⠀
⠀
I think I have BPD, and my body has played a big role in my relationships; sometimes I can't decipher between friendships and sexual chemistry. I used to use my body as a tool to get attention; I guess that's why I became a dancer — I've been doing it my whole life. I would use my body to get a man interested in me, and then later on I would worry that he only liked me for my body. ⠀
⠀
I look in the mirror, and I feel like I see a different person every day. I'll literally stand in front of a full body mirror and think 'Ugh, it's not the same as yesterday!' Sometimes I'm almost afraid to go to sleep because I don't know how I'll feel about my body the next day."⠀